I can speak of 50 Shades of Grey with complete authority although I have not read any of the books in the series.  I don’t often speak of this, but I was addicted to porn since I was about 14 years old.  No, not pornographic movies–pornographic literature (dirty movies were a sin).  I have always been an avid reader.  At about 10, I begin reading “romance novels”.  Back then they were lovely stories that took place in lovely locations and spoke of love that overcomes all obstacles.  (In retrospect, I should have stuck to the Bible.)  My fixation on these romance books stemmed from my fervent desire to know love like that since I felt very unloved and unlovable at that time.  Eventually the writers of Harlequin and Silhouette begin to write more sexually graphic novels.  These books confused me because my association of sex with fear, pain and abuse.  I sought to reconcile the emotional, pleasurable, amazing experience described in the novels to my own experiences.  This spawned a fantasy life where I wrestled with these issues of sex, violence, family, danger, safety, love, loss and forever. But I needed more data.  So I read more books.  The literature became more and more graphic and introduced extreme deviant topics that included magic, mysticism, occult, homosexuality, and sadomasochism. There were vampires and witches and gods and werewolves and bondage and orgies and this is the filth that I gorged into my mind and heart beginning at a young age.  In reality these books co-mingles ideas of pleasure/pain, control/lack of control, fear/excitement in a way that made since to that abused little girl growing up still fractured.  So there you have the back story.

Take-aways from this story:

1.  In reality, that little girl needed a little bit of therapy and a whole lot of Jesus.  Romance novels were not an adequate substitution for or acceptable aid in overcoming the trauma of abuse.  Immediate intervention is require to prevent inappropriate associations from forming.

2.  Romance novels are not harmless.  Besides being my gateway drug into erotic literature and later pornography, my husband probably wishes I’d never read them.  They usually create a standard that is impossible for a flesh and blood man to live up to.  I would love for my Felton to be a former football quarterback billionaire philanthropist who takes in orphans and frees hostages too, but that’s not realistic.

3.  “Erotic literature” is probably more dangerous that pornography.  When I read, I imagine myself as a character in the story.  In a positive way, I learned a little about a lot of topics from Victorian history to astronomy to military tactics.  (Sorry Trivia Crack friends).  But what does erotic literature teach you?  What roles have I played IN MY MIND while reading these books.  What things have I meditated day and night on?  What things have I thought on?  Not on a TV screen or computer screen  (external) but in my own mind.

4.  God is the answer.  Many things transpired to delivery me from my addiction to erotic literature.  The first is the desire to change my life.  The second was treatment for my obsessive compulsive tendencies.  The third was confessing my faults God, myself and someone I trust.  Next, I had to cleanse my house of years of literature (because I would read them over and over again).  I avoided Books-A-Million because the smell of books is a trigger.  I read the Bible and Biblical literature.  I talk to God daily or hourly about how I feel and what I’m going though.  I spend time with my Forever Family at least three days a week (one a recovery group CR) and try to encourage those around me.  All those things I was searching for: answers, direction, the keys to power and family and belonging and assurance and life and hope and peace are all found in God through Jesus Christ.

Be blessed.